2 months ago today….

Was the last time I held my Father’s hand.

Was the last time I kissed my Father.

The last time I told him, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The last time I told him, “I love you,” where I know he heard me.

The last time I seen his beautiful green eyes looking back at my green eyes.

BUT….it is not the last time I’ll ever see him or speak to him.  You see, I talk to him almost everyday.  I’ve felt his presence around me, and there has yet to have been a day where I haven’t thought about him. 

Dad, I miss you.  But I’m so happy you are no longer in pain.  I wish you were still here, only for selfish reasons.  So my boys would get to know you a little more and so that I could hear your voice. 

2 weeks ago was my birthday.  It was the first birthday in a vey long time where I didn’t get a phone call from you wishing me the best birthday ever.  It’s been a long 2 months not hearing that you love me and to kiss the boys for you. 

I’m so thankful for the time we were able to share together in your last months of life.  I will forever be grateful for you allowing me to go to all your doctor visits and be in the room at some of the most intimate of conversations. 

Dad, I miss you.  Snuggles to you and Quinn.  xoxoxo

Quickly Approaching…

The day of my Dad’s Memorial Service is quickly approaching. Saturday, in fact. It will be such a bittersweet day.

Bitter because he is no longer here to call.  To tell him my exciting news or to vent to. To hear those sweet words “I love you, Lynnski.”  Or to go over to his home to show off my beautiful family.

Sweet because I can finally lay him to rest. I can share the love I had with him, along with my brother & his family, his long term girlfriend, his best buddy and fantastic caregiver whom I am thankful for more than he will ever know, his mother who should never have had to bury her very own son, and all his friends who he shared many wonderful memories with.

Dad, I know you know how much I miss you, for you hear me cry almost every time I am alone, or when I woke up on Father’s Day and wished you a beautiful day, and when I sing (very loudly) Ashton’s VBS song “In His big house,” and on the 4th of July when I wished Lil’ Gram a Happy Birthday and hoped she was singing you a beautiful Polish song while she made you homemade perogies and gulumpki (how in the world do you spell that word?).  Dad, I know you’re with me. I felt a breeze pass by my shoulders as I was washing dishes in SC.  There was no other reason for a breeze except that you were there. I looked for you but couldn’t see you.

Dad, I may not see you again for many of years to come, but know you are forever in my heart.
Give Gram a big smooch for me and Quinn the tightest hug in the world….from his Mama. I hope you’re enjoying your Grandson.

Cheers, holding your most favorite wine 😉 

Love you, Lynnski
Forever, your little girl.

May he rest in peace…

Well my last post was the day I was on the fence if I should go see him or wait until Thursday June 2, and just go with T.  But then I remembered a text I received from a dear friend, Colleen.  She said, “You need to be with your Dad, till the end.”  I tossed this text around in my head over and over.  I did NOT want to go and then to go again the following day.  But when T called me, I said, “I’m going.”  I just knew I had to.  Not only did I have too, but I’d KICK myself if something happened and I didn’t go one last time.

So I asked Ashton to come with me.  After bribing him with a McDonald’s HappyMeal, he was game for anything.  We arrived at 4:30pm and when I walked into his room he was moaning and groaning, loudly, and wide awake.  I asked him if he was in pain and he said YES.  I went to find the nurse and she told me they upped his meds.  Ok, well now I had questions…when did they up them?  Why is he in pain, does he need more?  What’s going on?

I was beginning to get bothered by the nurse he had.  For the first time, this nurse wasn’t exactly Hospice friendly.  I was unsure why, as I was being VERY nice to her.  Afterall, she is his caregiver, I NEED to be nice.  I turned around after not getting any answers from her and saw Dad’s Doctor.  I questioned her.  Why is he in so much pain?  She responded, “I’m unsure, lets check his chart.  Says we upped his meds today.”  I said, “Ok, well did he just get them and maybe they haven’t kicked in yet, what time did he get them?”  She turns around and asks “Donna.”  Who gives her the same snotty answers as me….”We upped his meds today.  We upped his meds today.”  NO ANSWERS!!!!  Finally, his doctor said, “WHAT TIME?”  Donna said, “11:30am.”  Well it was now 5:30pm!  I was mad!  Doctor said, without hesitation, “Let’s increase it again, NOW!”  Perfect.  I love her 😉  No reason for him to be in pain, he’s dying for goodness sake.  I also ask her about his thrush in his mouth which seems to have gotten even worse, and she gives him a prescription for that as well.  Thank you!!!

While we wait for medicine, Ashton crawls up on my lap and my Dad grabs my hand and says, “I want to say a prayer.”  I said, “Ok!”  He just laid there, quiet.  I asked him if he wanted me to say one and he responded, “No.  I’m going to say one.”  Well he held my hand, tight.  For a good 2-3mins, but no words came out of his mouth.  I’d like to think he was saying a quiet prayer.  I wish I knew what he thinking/praying, but in my heart, I know.  I believe he was letting go.  I thought that at the exact moment he was praying and I still think that today, 3 days later.  When he let go of my hand I asked Ashton to say a prayer.  He said the Our Father, loud enough for Grandpa Joe to hear.  He said it beautifully.  Dad recognized that he said it, but really wasn’t talking much that day.

A few moments later the medicine is increased and my brother shows up.  I didn’t know he was coming, so this was a very pleasant surprise.  At 6:30pm I had to hunt the nurse down for the medicine for is thrush.  She came in and gave it to me and said, “Here, you give it to him.”  I sure hope she was just having a bad day and isn’t like this all the time.

Joey and I stayed until 8pm.  I brought Ashton with me so I wouldn’t stay all night.  Because at one point, I was going to stay all night.  Weird huh?  I gave him a few kisses goodbye and told him I’d see him the next day with T. 

I got home and went to bed.  I was awake from 11-1am or later, unable to sleep.  At 2:28pm my phone rang.  I knew what it was.  A male nurse called to tell me my Father passed away at 2:15am.  All I could think was, “THANK GOD I WENT TO SEE HIM!”  Thank you Colleen.  Thank you! 

I had to make the phone call to my brother to let him know about our Dad.  Seems weird…baby sister calling big brother?  But I did it.  He made the phone call to Dad’s sister and I called my Mom.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  But I knew this was coming.  And I was prepared.  Joey called me back around 3am and said he took off work and we were going to go make all the arrangements together that morning.  This is when it was great to have a BIG BRO!  He really made it easier on me.

We will have a small Catholic Mass for him soon where all his family and friends are welcome to come celebrate his life.  If you are interested in coming,  just email me and I’ll send you the information 😉

Lastly…on that last night in Hospice, Ashton said, “Grandpa Joe, I have a baseball trophy!”  GJ says, “That’s a basketball.”  And he lifted his arm up to the light.  Ashton giggled and said, “Mom, GJ thinks the light is a basketball.”  I said, “It’s ok, Ashton.”  GJ says, “What?  It’s not a basketball?  What is it?”  And then he just smiles!!  He was so happy that Ashton made him a picture of Batman.  We hung Batman up in his room to protect him.  We told him this and he said, “Oh good!” 

Dad…I love you!  May you find comfort in your new home.  I hope by now you have found Quinn and you’ve given him a GREAT BIG HUG from his Mama!!!  Forever yours, Lynnski.

The Waiting Game….

The waiting is a killer.  On the mind, heart and soul.  I sit here wondering often.  I hate it.

At the gym this morning, Rusti (Dad’s girlfriend) called me 3x to tell me she was there and he is not well.  She believes he will pass on tonight.  This is hard to hear at any moment in time, but when the phone is ringing and the reception is horrible in the gym, I decided to continue my workout and call her back later, my mind wonders.  And I cry.  In the middle of relaxation for Body Flow, I cry.  I have tears rolling down my face.  My mat is wet from tears, and I just cried.

PATHETIC…I know.  But hell, it’s my DAD! 

So I take the boys to the park, as promised, and decide to make my plan of action.  I know the day is near.  I hate it.  I call Aja who agrees to come stay with my boys tomorrow so T and I can make the journey to Hospice.  T has yet to see him there, and if Rusti thinks it’s soon, well then I ought to get over there.  I’m still deciding if I should go tonight too.  But it’s an hour away….it’s so hard to know what is right.  I mean, I don’t want him to pass on alone, so my head says to go.  But I’m also thinking if I go, what if he does pass, and I’m all alone.  That is so scary.  I’ll need T by my side.  I really will.  UGH!  I hate this!!!

I called Joey and he knows what’s going on.  We are both on standby just trying to figure things out. 

After the park, the boys came home and played outside for an hour while I made lunch.  We got a BIG storm, so I ran and grabbed them from the rain and put them in a quick shower.  While they were showering I thought, maybe my Dad waited for it to rain.  He LOVES the rain.  He would take me into our garage (when I was a little girl) and we’d sit on lawn chairs while he’d smoke a cigarette and drink a beer, all while listing to the rain.  Awww…..sweet rain.  I’ve passed that on to my kids, I think….Ashton likes to watch the rain with me and he knows my Daddy did it with me when I was a little girl.

Sniff Sniff.

Remember….

Things I’ll want to remember about my Father’s final days….(in Hospice)

May 27th I held his hand and said, “Dad, you were always so strong.”  He perked up, wide-eyed and said, “I am strong. I am strong, Tara”  I was crying. I said, “I know Dad, but right now your body isn’t.” 

Joey came a few hours after me, every time I told my Dad that Joey was there, he’d lift his head as high as he could and open his eyes wide and look for Joey.  It was so beautiful to see how Joey’s name made him smile.

Today, May 30th, the nurse told me he wanted to shave but said he could do it himself. When the male nurse came in I asked him to do it. Dad decided the razor was bad and asked him to stop. I went to clean the shaving cream off his face and he said, “I’ll shave myself. I’ll sit up and do it.” I just chuckled.  He hasn’t sat up in a week.  He is far to week to sit up.

I sat by his side for 4hrs, when I asked him if he was OK for the 10th time, he said, “Yes, I have my daughter and grandchildren.” This made my heart smile. 

A few moments later, I said “Dad, its me.”  He said, “Tara? I thought you were a nurse that looked just like you.”  He grabbed my hand and said, “Honey, that’s a pretty shirt.”  I said, “Thank you.”  (Mind you I have a white T-shirt on.)
Shortly thereafter, he said, “Tara, I love you.” I said, “I love you too,Dad!”  He said, “I love you more than you know!”  *this may have been what I’ve been waiting to hear for a long time*

He also told me he was waiting for me.  I said, “Who me, Dad?” 

The Hospice Chaplain called a Priest in to come bless him at 5:30pm tonight. I’ll stay with him. I told Dad he was coming, he said, “I’ll do whatever he wants.”  (I stayed till 6pm and the Priest still had not arrived.  I left him a note.)

In-between the talks we had we also shared some crazy talk. The male nurse came in the room and Dad said, “There’s a bat flying around his face.”  “Tara, there’s a silver bug on your shirt.”  I told him I smashed it with my shoe, he said,”Good.”  He also gripped his hand tight (like he was holding someone’s hand) and said,  “Hi, Mom!  Yes, I’m fine. OK.  Ugh huh.”  Like he was speaking to her.  He also mentioned when we bless him (with the Priest) not to forget about his Father. He needed a blessing too. I was pretty dumbfounded by that statement.  His Father died when he was 3yrs old.   He had 2 stepfather’s that have passed, who he may have thought of as his own Dad or maybe he was referring to his own flesh and blood. I’m unsure.  I told him he’ll get to see his father soon, but that confused him so I didn’t say it again.

He never really clarified that he was waiting for, “me.”  But after he talked so crazy about his Mom and Dad and saying that he “loved me more than I know,” I have to question if this is indeed the end and maybe he was waiting?  I guess time will tell.

Joey just texted me to tell him, “he loves him and wishes he was here.” I told this to Dad but said Joey called me.  Dad said, “Who?  Joey?  I love him too.”  So sweet!

A Long Day…

It’s never easy to see someone in bad shape.  When you know the end is near.  Add that to the fact that it’s your very own flesh and blood, my FATHER, and the tears instantly start rolling down your face.

So I’m going to sit here and remind myself of what he did today.

I walked in and said, “Hi, Dad!  It’s me!!!  Do you know who I am?”  He opened his eyes wide and pushed his head back, “Tara?  Tara?  Is that you?”  Yes, it’s me!

Mission ONE…accomplished.  I wanted him to KNOW, I was there.  I took time out of my day to be there.  I’m pretty certain that is what I’d want when I was lying around on my last days.  Just to know people care makes you as a person, more whole.  I began to tear up.  What can I say, at times, I’m a softy.

I asked him how he was feeling, if he was cold…you know, basic stuff.  He would mostly moan.  I really couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I’m pretty sure he got through to me.  I was able to feed him a little oatmeal, a LITTLE, but hell, it was something.

A few moments later, I began to have a melt down.  As I sat there boo-hoo’ing while his eyes were closed, I said, “Dad, you were always so strong, it’s hard to see you this way, it breaks my heart.”  He opened his eyes and said, “I am strong!”  He is.  He is one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.  He would take anyone down if they looked at me funny, or GOD FORBID they hit on his little girl.  And trust me, I’ve seen this.  Shoot, my brother gets this same trait from my Dad, and he too would take a person down for the “wrong look!”  LOL.  Actually, I’m flattered by it.  I like the fact that my big brother and Daddy like to take care of me….even if the last time I seen this happen was over 10yrs ago 😉

So what else did he tell me…not much.  I told him that my brother and I loved him, over and over again.  He responded everytime, he loved us too.

I did tell my Dad that Ashton was sad that he wasn’t coming.  See, Grandpa Joe (my Dad) promised Ashton he would teach him how to ride his bike with only 2 wheels.  Unfortunately, that will never happen.  But, what will happen, and this I guarantee, is that Grandpa Joe will be looking down, smiling from ear to ear that his precious grandson if FINALLY on 2 wheels (whenever that happens).  I only wish I would have thought of suggesting (teaching him) this to Grandpa Joe, on Ashton’s birthday…when he was by far, much more healthy.

Joey and I sat there this afternoon talking about cancer.  How my Grandmother was given 6mths to live, 7 1/2 YEARS ago.  Then there’s my Dad.  He was given 4-14mths to live.  It is now 8mths, pretty much on target.  Cancer is so unfair.  What I want to do, is run around like Ashton, stomp my feet, and pout…it’s NOT FAIR.  Not fair at all.  Cancer is NO FAIR!  To take my father away from me, AGAIN, is no fair!!!  First when I was 11yrs old, and again now?  NOT FAIR I tell ya!  Not fair. 

But life isn’t fair.  There is nothing simple about life.  We all have hurdles.  We all have leaps and bounds we must overcome. 

With friends/family, all those leaps and bounds are possible!  Thank you to my BIG BROTHER who has been there with me through all this mess, who has helped give me strength through his strength.  Thank you to the MOST supportive husband EVER!  If I said I needed to go see my Dad, you went, or you were there to care for the kids, or whatever I needed.  Thank you Dana for the countless phone calls and texts you have listened/responded too.  Thank you Ag’s for the encouraging thoughts and prayers (most of all CUPCAKES!) when I told you I needed them most.  Thank you Colleen who wanted to order me a “shitty-Day” cake from Publix because she knew it would help me smile, even if for just a few moments…she even offered to help eat it if she was closer so I didn’t feel like a piggy 🙂  And lastly, thank you Aja….you just went through this yourself with the loss of your Grandmother, your kind words helped me realize I wasn’t crazy but most of all, I wasn’t alone.  Although you weren’t here, I could feel your hugs around my neck and I knew whenever I needed you, you were just a call away.  There are MANY more wonderful friends who checked on me DAILY!!!!  Thank you!  Thank you MUCHES!  I appreciate every one of you!  Thank you!!!

The hardest part is knowing that today could have been he last time I will see him alive.

Now, I sit here and wait.  Impatiently.

The Inevitable….

The inevitable is, we will all die.  All of us.  At some point in our lives, our calling will be made and we will see the light and be gone.  One can only hope you have had a fulfilling life filled with love and no regrets. 

This is what I wish for my Dad.  He was born just 56 short years ago.  He is dying.  Quickly.  Not only does he have cancer throughout most of his body, it has most likely now entered his brain and his cancer is eating him from the inside out.  He has cancer sores all over his body.  He has a bed sore on his back, which is exposing his tail bone and spine, it’s the size of a cantaloupe. 

Nothing about cancer is fun.  Nothing about it is easy.  But to see a loved one in physical pain, SUCKS!  Nothing short of S.U.C.K.S.  PERIOD.  It SUCKS.  On Friday night he screamed in pain for 10 straight hours.  Finally, at 7am his girlfriend called Hospice, they did not arrive fast enough, so she called 911.  He was admitted into the hospital where they finally got the pain under control, 10hours later.  Sunday, I asked him if he would consider going to a Hospice Pain Management Center.  He declined, saying the doctors were really helping, BUT, he would consider it the following day.  I called the Social Worker that helps him and we agreed to try to persuade him that it would be best for him to be in a Hospice facility.  At 6pm, he was transferred into a Pain Management Center.  THANK GOD!

Since arriving, he has been in much less pain.  Only problem?  He is slipping, and slipping fast.  This is good and bad.  In my mind, I’m ready for this battle to end.  In my heart, I’ll never be ready to say Good-bye to the first person I called Daddy.  To the man who brought me into this world.  So instead, I sit here and wait.  I make my daily phone calls to him, which as of yesterday, I couldn’t make out but 2 words he said to me, “love” and “boys.”  If it wasn’t for the same sentence he tells me at the end of each and every phone call, I would have had no idea what he said.  So what was he trying to tell me?  “I love you honey.  Give the boys a hug for me.  And tell T hello.”

With each phone call, I can only hope, he knows its me on the other end.  That it is his little girl who loves him and is constantly thinking about his well-being.  It’s me Dad…please, know it’s me. 

The realist in me knows the end is approaching.  I almost want it to happen sooner than later.  He is in pain.  He doesn’t deserve to be in pain.  He is NOT a bad person.  There are many BAD people in this world….child molesters, murderers, rapist…the list goes on…my DAD is NOT BAD!  He doesn’t deserve to hurt. 

I can only wish him comfort.  I wish he would shut his eyes and remember all the wonderful times he had with my brother and I and all the fun times he had with his friends.  He has a lot of friends!  I wish that when he sleeps at night he is only reminded of those happy times, not of pain.  Not of being paralyzed.  Not of this rotten disease that is slowly taking his life in the most miserable way known to man. 

Dad, I love you.  Our boys love you.  I’ll never forget our days in the park while sipping 7-11 slurpees and you pushing me on the swings.  I’ll always cherish our Sunday’s on Clearwater Beach and how just before we would leave I’d look out the window to see if the birds were flying over our house, for what I liked to think of was them calling us to the beach 😉  I’ll never forget how you tried to make it to my college graduation but you just couldn’t find it.  But most of all, I’ll never ever forget the day you helped Mike give me away to T and wished us all the luck in the world.  I’m so glad you were able to see what I’ve become and who your grandchildren are.  I love you, Dad.    

                                                                           Love you MUCHES!

                                                                                    Lynn”ski”

Dad….I wrote this about you last night.  While T had the boys at the pool and I sat here crying my eyes out.  Today, I decided to do something good for myself.  I took a nice jog on the treadmill.  The day seemed to start off much better.  Then I got a phone call.  Not the dreaded call, but a call from your wonderful nurse who kindly and ever so gently, told me to change my plans and come by your side sooner than Saturday.  She tells me you’ll be passing in the next few days.  I knew this day was coming, but it makes it no easier to hear out loud.  To know, it is indeed, inevitable.

I love you!!!!

Ashton turns 5 years old!

My first-born is 5 years old.  How did that happen?  I’ll tell ya, QUICKLY! 

This weekend was pure chaos.  Fun chaos, but insane.  Friday, after taking Ashton to school, Ethan, Eli, and I ran to the gym where I took another spin class and sweated my booty off.  At 9am I left running to Publix.  A big shopping trip was planned.  Next up, was Target.  I had to pick up Ashton’s birthday cakes…

and

Super cute, huh?  A mummy, eyeball, tombstone, and Frankenstein 😉  Loved them.  Ashton seen them in the Target ad last week and changed his mind from wanting me to make him a bowling ball and pin to these super cute cakes.  I couldn’t say no, they were only $5 EACH!  Terrific deal if you ask me 😉

So after Target we ran home, unloaded the groceries and ran to pick up Ashton at school.  Next up we had an appointment for an oil change.  Thankfully, I brought my laptop and after an hour of playing with the dirty toys at the dealership the boys sat down and watched The Great Pumpkin, Charile Brown.  Such a classic 🙂

When we got home, I started making dinner and moments later Daddy and Grandpa Joe arrived.  Look at how much fun the boys had with Grandpa Joe….

And after Ashton opened up his new remote control jeep, from Grandpa Joe, this is what he did…

Next, Daddy carved our pumpkin, scary Larry #2.  This isn’t the best photo.  For some reason, I have NO photography skills 😦

The next day was ASHTON’s BIRTHDAY!

First up, BASEBALL! 

And Grandpa Joe holding Eli for the first time…

Next was home for super quick showers and then to the BOWLING PARTY!  Not before Mommy insisted we have a photo shoot outside 😉

 

And Mommy wanted one with her birthday boy, but Mr. Jealous squeezed himself in 😉

and

Most of the pictures taken at the bowling alley aren’t worth posting.  They are just a bunch of candid shots of the kids running around like crazies.  Ashton did enjoy himself 3 pieces of pizza and here is one of him stuffing his face.

Ethan liked it just the same…yes, he ate 3 pieces as well.

Look at these two little devils scooping out the cakes….

“Mom, can my friends hurry up and sing to me so I can eat this cake?”

And Ashton had 3 pieces of cake.  He tried to get one of each, but after that, I said ENOUGH!  LOL. 

Next we came home to open presents.  Uncle Joey, Aunt Dana, Howie, and Grandpa Joe were all with us in the mass chaos of present opening.  All in all, it was fun, and we have a house full of zhu zhu pets.  I know you’re jealous, aren’t you?  LOL.

Mommy and Daddy decided on the Leapster Explorer for our sweet little boy, and it was by far, the right decision 😉

The birthday boy had a GREAT day, with lots of amazing gifts.  Thank you to all our friends and family for sharing our special day with our son!  You made it perfect!!!

Ethan especially loved Grandpa Joe…he let’s him do things Mom wouldn’t dare…

Howie also finds Grandpa Joe, pretty cool.

And lastly, I had Aunt Dana take this picture, because lets face it, there isn’t anything more cute than baby heiny 😉

Quick update on Grandpa Joe.  He looked good.  Seemed to be in good spirits.  Doesn’t seem ill from chemo and had a blast with all the kids.  I’ve decided that I will make it a priority to see him as often as time permits.  The boys really enjoy his company, and I would love for them to have more QT with him before he can’t enjoy the kids.  Joey is going to pick him up on Thanksgiving and I’m going to bring him home, this way he is able to celebrate with us.  This is our first year not celebrating with my parents, but thankfully, they are very understanding, and it’s just something I feel like I need to do. 

Dad did go in for more chemo on Tuesday.  I spoke to him that afternoon and he was still a bit tired.  I tried to call him yesterday but didn’t get him.  I’ll try again today.  He sure is lucky to have Rusti in his life, taking good care of him. 

UGH….

Things aren’t going to be easy in these upcoming weeks.  Nope.  Not in the slightest.  I’ve found myself thinking all day/night of what I can do to help my Dad.

My Dad isn’t the type of person to want to burden anyone.  Not that he is a burden, but taking on the responsibility of another human being can become difficult on any family, both financially and emotionally.  Thankfully, I married the most family oriented man, EVER!

Last night when I called to check in with my Dad he informed me that he needed his birth certificate.  Well, he didn’t have it.  I called my Mom to see if she had it, and she did not.  I sent a few emails checking with his sister and for her to ask her Mom and nope, nobody had it.  Without hesitation, me and my husband ordered a new one.  Not cheap to say the least, but it’s the least thing we can do to help.

When Eli woke me up at 1am for his feeding, I found myself thinking of the words Dad said to me, “I’m trying to build a nest.  I know I cannot work once Chemo starts, and I’m not much of a saver.”  Well, I’m sure I get that trait from him, and I’m not much of a saver either, BUT….I married a man who has taught me to save.  He is a saver and makes me stay in check 🙂   So I began making a mental list of all the things I could give to my Dad to help him get by these next few weeks/months.

FOOD!  Food is important.  He needs it.  But he’ll also have rent to pay and other bills.  So I made him a care package.  Much like my Grandma used to make for me and my Mom and brother when my DAD left our family.  HA.  Funny how that works right?  My Dad left and we needed food in our bellies.  My Gram would NEVER let us go hungry.  Nope.  Never.  She also would NEVER allow our mortgage to not be paid or any other bills.  And then there is my Aunt Bunny, who I called on MORE than one occasion saying, “I need a new backpack/shoes/bathing suit.”  And within days the check would arrive and my Mom would take us shopping.

I guess it’s Oprah’s form of “Pay it Forward,” so to speak.  My Dad left, we needed help because of his departure from us, but in all honesty, I feel the need to pay it forward to him or anyone else near and dear to me that might need our help.  Ok, we can’t help too much, I do have 3 kids myself, but something as simple as ordering a birth certificate or making a food package, now that, I can totally handle.  And I’m pretty sure, my kind and loving husband has ZERO problems with. 

Or maybe it’s just because he loves me and would do ANYTHING to see me happy.  Either way, I’ll keep him!  Love and hugs to him.  You will be my rock through all of this.

1 month with Eli….

1 month old, and it slipped my mind that yesterday was the 27th.  At 5pm on August 27th, Eli entered the world.  He was already in our world for the previous 9mths, but now we could finally met him, hold him, and kiss him.  All my favorite things 😉

He is doing well, and getting big.  If I had to guess, he’s a good 10.5lbs at least.  Considering he was almost 10lb at 2wks 😉  He also seems to be getting pretty long these days.

This picture is a few days old, but you get the idea 😉 

He still pretty much sleeps all day.  Maybe an hour or two between feedings is he awake.  Still going about 4hours between feedings.  At night he occasionally will bless us with a 6hour stretch, but last night it was 4hours, 3 hours, 2 hours.  So sometimes, you just never know.  What I do know is, I’m tired!  Very tired.  But he’s worth it.  And at 4wks, I’m just not ready to push him along to the sleeping all night phase.  I’ll wait a bit longer before I need to lay the law down.  Now to get Daddy to just give me ONE night off, just one night.  I really need it.  I need a good 10hours straight, uninterrupted, SLEEP.

I’m off to take my Dad to the doctor today.  Hopefully, I’ll come home with facts, lots of facts.  Whether good or bad, we need to know what is going on.  Wish me luck, I’m pretty certain it’s not going to be an easy day on the heart 😦

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