The Waiting Game….

The waiting is a killer.  On the mind, heart and soul.  I sit here wondering often.  I hate it.

At the gym this morning, Rusti (Dad’s girlfriend) called me 3x to tell me she was there and he is not well.  She believes he will pass on tonight.  This is hard to hear at any moment in time, but when the phone is ringing and the reception is horrible in the gym, I decided to continue my workout and call her back later, my mind wonders.  And I cry.  In the middle of relaxation for Body Flow, I cry.  I have tears rolling down my face.  My mat is wet from tears, and I just cried.

PATHETIC…I know.  But hell, it’s my DAD! 

So I take the boys to the park, as promised, and decide to make my plan of action.  I know the day is near.  I hate it.  I call Aja who agrees to come stay with my boys tomorrow so T and I can make the journey to Hospice.  T has yet to see him there, and if Rusti thinks it’s soon, well then I ought to get over there.  I’m still deciding if I should go tonight too.  But it’s an hour away….it’s so hard to know what is right.  I mean, I don’t want him to pass on alone, so my head says to go.  But I’m also thinking if I go, what if he does pass, and I’m all alone.  That is so scary.  I’ll need T by my side.  I really will.  UGH!  I hate this!!!

I called Joey and he knows what’s going on.  We are both on standby just trying to figure things out. 

After the park, the boys came home and played outside for an hour while I made lunch.  We got a BIG storm, so I ran and grabbed them from the rain and put them in a quick shower.  While they were showering I thought, maybe my Dad waited for it to rain.  He LOVES the rain.  He would take me into our garage (when I was a little girl) and we’d sit on lawn chairs while he’d smoke a cigarette and drink a beer, all while listing to the rain.  Awww…..sweet rain.  I’ve passed that on to my kids, I think….Ashton likes to watch the rain with me and he knows my Daddy did it with me when I was a little girl.

Sniff Sniff.

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