A Long Day…

It’s never easy to see someone in bad shape.  When you know the end is near.  Add that to the fact that it’s your very own flesh and blood, my FATHER, and the tears instantly start rolling down your face.

So I’m going to sit here and remind myself of what he did today.

I walked in and said, “Hi, Dad!  It’s me!!!  Do you know who I am?”  He opened his eyes wide and pushed his head back, “Tara?  Tara?  Is that you?”  Yes, it’s me!

Mission ONE…accomplished.  I wanted him to KNOW, I was there.  I took time out of my day to be there.  I’m pretty certain that is what I’d want when I was lying around on my last days.  Just to know people care makes you as a person, more whole.  I began to tear up.  What can I say, at times, I’m a softy.

I asked him how he was feeling, if he was cold…you know, basic stuff.  He would mostly moan.  I really couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I’m pretty sure he got through to me.  I was able to feed him a little oatmeal, a LITTLE, but hell, it was something.

A few moments later, I began to have a melt down.  As I sat there boo-hoo’ing while his eyes were closed, I said, “Dad, you were always so strong, it’s hard to see you this way, it breaks my heart.”  He opened his eyes and said, “I am strong!”  He is.  He is one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.  He would take anyone down if they looked at me funny, or GOD FORBID they hit on his little girl.  And trust me, I’ve seen this.  Shoot, my brother gets this same trait from my Dad, and he too would take a person down for the “wrong look!”  LOL.  Actually, I’m flattered by it.  I like the fact that my big brother and Daddy like to take care of me….even if the last time I seen this happen was over 10yrs ago 😉

So what else did he tell me…not much.  I told him that my brother and I loved him, over and over again.  He responded everytime, he loved us too.

I did tell my Dad that Ashton was sad that he wasn’t coming.  See, Grandpa Joe (my Dad) promised Ashton he would teach him how to ride his bike with only 2 wheels.  Unfortunately, that will never happen.  But, what will happen, and this I guarantee, is that Grandpa Joe will be looking down, smiling from ear to ear that his precious grandson if FINALLY on 2 wheels (whenever that happens).  I only wish I would have thought of suggesting (teaching him) this to Grandpa Joe, on Ashton’s birthday…when he was by far, much more healthy.

Joey and I sat there this afternoon talking about cancer.  How my Grandmother was given 6mths to live, 7 1/2 YEARS ago.  Then there’s my Dad.  He was given 4-14mths to live.  It is now 8mths, pretty much on target.  Cancer is so unfair.  What I want to do, is run around like Ashton, stomp my feet, and pout…it’s NOT FAIR.  Not fair at all.  Cancer is NO FAIR!  To take my father away from me, AGAIN, is no fair!!!  First when I was 11yrs old, and again now?  NOT FAIR I tell ya!  Not fair. 

But life isn’t fair.  There is nothing simple about life.  We all have hurdles.  We all have leaps and bounds we must overcome. 

With friends/family, all those leaps and bounds are possible!  Thank you to my BIG BROTHER who has been there with me through all this mess, who has helped give me strength through his strength.  Thank you to the MOST supportive husband EVER!  If I said I needed to go see my Dad, you went, or you were there to care for the kids, or whatever I needed.  Thank you Dana for the countless phone calls and texts you have listened/responded too.  Thank you Ag’s for the encouraging thoughts and prayers (most of all CUPCAKES!) when I told you I needed them most.  Thank you Colleen who wanted to order me a “shitty-Day” cake from Publix because she knew it would help me smile, even if for just a few moments…she even offered to help eat it if she was closer so I didn’t feel like a piggy 🙂  And lastly, thank you Aja….you just went through this yourself with the loss of your Grandmother, your kind words helped me realize I wasn’t crazy but most of all, I wasn’t alone.  Although you weren’t here, I could feel your hugs around my neck and I knew whenever I needed you, you were just a call away.  There are MANY more wonderful friends who checked on me DAILY!!!!  Thank you!  Thank you MUCHES!  I appreciate every one of you!  Thank you!!!

The hardest part is knowing that today could have been he last time I will see him alive.

Now, I sit here and wait.  Impatiently.

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