2 months ago today….

Was the last time I held my Father’s hand.

Was the last time I kissed my Father.

The last time I told him, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The last time I told him, “I love you,” where I know he heard me.

The last time I seen his beautiful green eyes looking back at my green eyes.

BUT….it is not the last time I’ll ever see him or speak to him.  You see, I talk to him almost everyday.  I’ve felt his presence around me, and there has yet to have been a day where I haven’t thought about him. 

Dad, I miss you.  But I’m so happy you are no longer in pain.  I wish you were still here, only for selfish reasons.  So my boys would get to know you a little more and so that I could hear your voice. 

2 weeks ago was my birthday.  It was the first birthday in a vey long time where I didn’t get a phone call from you wishing me the best birthday ever.  It’s been a long 2 months not hearing that you love me and to kiss the boys for you. 

I’m so thankful for the time we were able to share together in your last months of life.  I will forever be grateful for you allowing me to go to all your doctor visits and be in the room at some of the most intimate of conversations. 

Dad, I miss you.  Snuggles to you and Quinn.  xoxoxo

Quickly Approaching…

The day of my Dad’s Memorial Service is quickly approaching. Saturday, in fact. It will be such a bittersweet day.

Bitter because he is no longer here to call.  To tell him my exciting news or to vent to. To hear those sweet words “I love you, Lynnski.”  Or to go over to his home to show off my beautiful family.

Sweet because I can finally lay him to rest. I can share the love I had with him, along with my brother & his family, his long term girlfriend, his best buddy and fantastic caregiver whom I am thankful for more than he will ever know, his mother who should never have had to bury her very own son, and all his friends who he shared many wonderful memories with.

Dad, I know you know how much I miss you, for you hear me cry almost every time I am alone, or when I woke up on Father’s Day and wished you a beautiful day, and when I sing (very loudly) Ashton’s VBS song “In His big house,” and on the 4th of July when I wished Lil’ Gram a Happy Birthday and hoped she was singing you a beautiful Polish song while she made you homemade perogies and gulumpki (how in the world do you spell that word?).  Dad, I know you’re with me. I felt a breeze pass by my shoulders as I was washing dishes in SC.  There was no other reason for a breeze except that you were there. I looked for you but couldn’t see you.

Dad, I may not see you again for many of years to come, but know you are forever in my heart.
Give Gram a big smooch for me and Quinn the tightest hug in the world….from his Mama. I hope you’re enjoying your Grandson.

Cheers, holding your most favorite wine ;) 

Love you, Lynnski
Forever, your little girl.

May he rest in peace…

Well my last post was the day I was on the fence if I should go see him or wait until Thursday June 2, and just go with T.  But then I remembered a text I received from a dear friend, Colleen.  She said, “You need to be with your Dad, till the end.”  I tossed this text around in my head over and over.  I did NOT want to go and then to go again the following day.  But when T called me, I said, “I’m going.”  I just knew I had to.  Not only did I have too, but I’d KICK myself if something happened and I didn’t go one last time.

So I asked Ashton to come with me.  After bribing him with a McDonald’s HappyMeal, he was game for anything.  We arrived at 4:30pm and when I walked into his room he was moaning and groaning, loudly, and wide awake.  I asked him if he was in pain and he said YES.  I went to find the nurse and she told me they upped his meds.  Ok, well now I had questions…when did they up them?  Why is he in pain, does he need more?  What’s going on?

I was beginning to get bothered by the nurse he had.  For the first time, this nurse wasn’t exactly Hospice friendly.  I was unsure why, as I was being VERY nice to her.  Afterall, she is his caregiver, I NEED to be nice.  I turned around after not getting any answers from her and saw Dad’s Doctor.  I questioned her.  Why is he in so much pain?  She responded, “I’m unsure, lets check his chart.  Says we upped his meds today.”  I said, “Ok, well did he just get them and maybe they haven’t kicked in yet, what time did he get them?”  She turns around and asks “Donna.”  Who gives her the same snotty answers as me….”We upped his meds today.  We upped his meds today.”  NO ANSWERS!!!!  Finally, his doctor said, “WHAT TIME?”  Donna said, “11:30am.”  Well it was now 5:30pm!  I was mad!  Doctor said, without hesitation, “Let’s increase it again, NOW!”  Perfect.  I love her ;)  No reason for him to be in pain, he’s dying for goodness sake.  I also ask her about his thrush in his mouth which seems to have gotten even worse, and she gives him a prescription for that as well.  Thank you!!!

While we wait for medicine, Ashton crawls up on my lap and my Dad grabs my hand and says, “I want to say a prayer.”  I said, “Ok!”  He just laid there, quiet.  I asked him if he wanted me to say one and he responded, “No.  I’m going to say one.”  Well he held my hand, tight.  For a good 2-3mins, but no words came out of his mouth.  I’d like to think he was saying a quiet prayer.  I wish I knew what he thinking/praying, but in my heart, I know.  I believe he was letting go.  I thought that at the exact moment he was praying and I still think that today, 3 days later.  When he let go of my hand I asked Ashton to say a prayer.  He said the Our Father, loud enough for Grandpa Joe to hear.  He said it beautifully.  Dad recognized that he said it, but really wasn’t talking much that day.

A few moments later the medicine is increased and my brother shows up.  I didn’t know he was coming, so this was a very pleasant surprise.  At 6:30pm I had to hunt the nurse down for the medicine for is thrush.  She came in and gave it to me and said, “Here, you give it to him.”  I sure hope she was just having a bad day and isn’t like this all the time.

Joey and I stayed until 8pm.  I brought Ashton with me so I wouldn’t stay all night.  Because at one point, I was going to stay all night.  Weird huh?  I gave him a few kisses goodbye and told him I’d see him the next day with T. 

I got home and went to bed.  I was awake from 11-1am or later, unable to sleep.  At 2:28pm my phone rang.  I knew what it was.  A male nurse called to tell me my Father passed away at 2:15am.  All I could think was, “THANK GOD I WENT TO SEE HIM!”  Thank you Colleen.  Thank you! 

I had to make the phone call to my brother to let him know about our Dad.  Seems weird…baby sister calling big brother?  But I did it.  He made the phone call to Dad’s sister and I called my Mom.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  But I knew this was coming.  And I was prepared.  Joey called me back around 3am and said he took off work and we were going to go make all the arrangements together that morning.  This is when it was great to have a BIG BRO!  He really made it easier on me.

We will have a small Catholic Mass for him soon where all his family and friends are welcome to come celebrate his life.  If you are interested in coming,  just email me and I’ll send you the information ;)

Lastly…on that last night in Hospice, Ashton said, “Grandpa Joe, I have a baseball trophy!”  GJ says, “That’s a basketball.”  And he lifted his arm up to the light.  Ashton giggled and said, “Mom, GJ thinks the light is a basketball.”  I said, “It’s ok, Ashton.”  GJ says, “What?  It’s not a basketball?  What is it?”  And then he just smiles!!  He was so happy that Ashton made him a picture of Batman.  We hung Batman up in his room to protect him.  We told him this and he said, “Oh good!” 

Dad…I love you!  May you find comfort in your new home.  I hope by now you have found Quinn and you’ve given him a GREAT BIG HUG from his Mama!!!  Forever yours, Lynnski.

The Waiting Game….

The waiting is a killer.  On the mind, heart and soul.  I sit here wondering often.  I hate it.

At the gym this morning, Rusti (Dad’s girlfriend) called me 3x to tell me she was there and he is not well.  She believes he will pass on tonight.  This is hard to hear at any moment in time, but when the phone is ringing and the reception is horrible in the gym, I decided to continue my workout and call her back later, my mind wonders.  And I cry.  In the middle of relaxation for Body Flow, I cry.  I have tears rolling down my face.  My mat is wet from tears, and I just cried.

PATHETIC…I know.  But hell, it’s my DAD! 

So I take the boys to the park, as promised, and decide to make my plan of action.  I know the day is near.  I hate it.  I call Aja who agrees to come stay with my boys tomorrow so T and I can make the journey to Hospice.  T has yet to see him there, and if Rusti thinks it’s soon, well then I ought to get over there.  I’m still deciding if I should go tonight too.  But it’s an hour away….it’s so hard to know what is right.  I mean, I don’t want him to pass on alone, so my head says to go.  But I’m also thinking if I go, what if he does pass, and I’m all alone.  That is so scary.  I’ll need T by my side.  I really will.  UGH!  I hate this!!!

I called Joey and he knows what’s going on.  We are both on standby just trying to figure things out. 

After the park, the boys came home and played outside for an hour while I made lunch.  We got a BIG storm, so I ran and grabbed them from the rain and put them in a quick shower.  While they were showering I thought, maybe my Dad waited for it to rain.  He LOVES the rain.  He would take me into our garage (when I was a little girl) and we’d sit on lawn chairs while he’d smoke a cigarette and drink a beer, all while listing to the rain.  Awww…..sweet rain.  I’ve passed that on to my kids, I think….Ashton likes to watch the rain with me and he knows my Daddy did it with me when I was a little girl.

Sniff Sniff.

Remember….

Things I’ll want to remember about my Father’s final days….(in Hospice)

May 27th I held his hand and said, “Dad, you were always so strong.”  He perked up, wide-eyed and said, “I am strong. I am strong, Tara”  I was crying. I said, “I know Dad, but right now your body isn’t.” 

Joey came a few hours after me, every time I told my Dad that Joey was there, he’d lift his head as high as he could and open his eyes wide and look for Joey.  It was so beautiful to see how Joey’s name made him smile.

Today, May 30th, the nurse told me he wanted to shave but said he could do it himself. When the male nurse came in I asked him to do it. Dad decided the razor was bad and asked him to stop. I went to clean the shaving cream off his face and he said, “I’ll shave myself. I’ll sit up and do it.” I just chuckled.  He hasn’t sat up in a week.  He is far to week to sit up.

I sat by his side for 4hrs, when I asked him if he was OK for the 10th time, he said, “Yes, I have my daughter and grandchildren.” This made my heart smile. 

A few moments later, I said “Dad, its me.”  He said, “Tara? I thought you were a nurse that looked just like you.”  He grabbed my hand and said, “Honey, that’s a pretty shirt.”  I said, “Thank you.”  (Mind you I have a white T-shirt on.)
Shortly thereafter, he said, “Tara, I love you.” I said, “I love you too,Dad!”  He said, “I love you more than you know!”  *this may have been what I’ve been waiting to hear for a long time*

He also told me he was waiting for me.  I said, “Who me, Dad?” 

The Hospice Chaplain called a Priest in to come bless him at 5:30pm tonight. I’ll stay with him. I told Dad he was coming, he said, “I’ll do whatever he wants.”  (I stayed till 6pm and the Priest still had not arrived.  I left him a note.)

In-between the talks we had we also shared some crazy talk. The male nurse came in the room and Dad said, “There’s a bat flying around his face.”  “Tara, there’s a silver bug on your shirt.”  I told him I smashed it with my shoe, he said,”Good.”  He also gripped his hand tight (like he was holding someone’s hand) and said,  “Hi, Mom!  Yes, I’m fine. OK.  Ugh huh.”  Like he was speaking to her.  He also mentioned when we bless him (with the Priest) not to forget about his Father. He needed a blessing too. I was pretty dumbfounded by that statement.  His Father died when he was 3yrs old.   He had 2 stepfather’s that have passed, who he may have thought of as his own Dad or maybe he was referring to his own flesh and blood. I’m unsure.  I told him he’ll get to see his father soon, but that confused him so I didn’t say it again.

He never really clarified that he was waiting for, “me.”  But after he talked so crazy about his Mom and Dad and saying that he “loved me more than I know,” I have to question if this is indeed the end and maybe he was waiting?  I guess time will tell.

Joey just texted me to tell him, “he loves him and wishes he was here.” I told this to Dad but said Joey called me.  Dad said, “Who?  Joey?  I love him too.”  So sweet!

A Long Day…

It’s never easy to see someone in bad shape.  When you know the end is near.  Add that to the fact that it’s your very own flesh and blood, my FATHER, and the tears instantly start rolling down your face.

So I’m going to sit here and remind myself of what he did today.

I walked in and said, “Hi, Dad!  It’s me!!!  Do you know who I am?”  He opened his eyes wide and pushed his head back, “Tara?  Tara?  Is that you?”  Yes, it’s me!

Mission ONE…accomplished.  I wanted him to KNOW, I was there.  I took time out of my day to be there.  I’m pretty certain that is what I’d want when I was lying around on my last days.  Just to know people care makes you as a person, more whole.  I began to tear up.  What can I say, at times, I’m a softy.

I asked him how he was feeling, if he was cold…you know, basic stuff.  He would mostly moan.  I really couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I’m pretty sure he got through to me.  I was able to feed him a little oatmeal, a LITTLE, but hell, it was something.

A few moments later, I began to have a melt down.  As I sat there boo-hoo’ing while his eyes were closed, I said, “Dad, you were always so strong, it’s hard to see you this way, it breaks my heart.”  He opened his eyes and said, “I am strong!”  He is.  He is one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.  He would take anyone down if they looked at me funny, or GOD FORBID they hit on his little girl.  And trust me, I’ve seen this.  Shoot, my brother gets this same trait from my Dad, and he too would take a person down for the “wrong look!”  LOL.  Actually, I’m flattered by it.  I like the fact that my big brother and Daddy like to take care of me….even if the last time I seen this happen was over 10yrs ago ;)

So what else did he tell me…not much.  I told him that my brother and I loved him, over and over again.  He responded everytime, he loved us too.

I did tell my Dad that Ashton was sad that he wasn’t coming.  See, Grandpa Joe (my Dad) promised Ashton he would teach him how to ride his bike with only 2 wheels.  Unfortunately, that will never happen.  But, what will happen, and this I guarantee, is that Grandpa Joe will be looking down, smiling from ear to ear that his precious grandson if FINALLY on 2 wheels (whenever that happens).  I only wish I would have thought of suggesting (teaching him) this to Grandpa Joe, on Ashton’s birthday…when he was by far, much more healthy.

Joey and I sat there this afternoon talking about cancer.  How my Grandmother was given 6mths to live, 7 1/2 YEARS ago.  Then there’s my Dad.  He was given 4-14mths to live.  It is now 8mths, pretty much on target.  Cancer is so unfair.  What I want to do, is run around like Ashton, stomp my feet, and pout…it’s NOT FAIR.  Not fair at all.  Cancer is NO FAIR!  To take my father away from me, AGAIN, is no fair!!!  First when I was 11yrs old, and again now?  NOT FAIR I tell ya!  Not fair. 

But life isn’t fair.  There is nothing simple about life.  We all have hurdles.  We all have leaps and bounds we must overcome. 

With friends/family, all those leaps and bounds are possible!  Thank you to my BIG BROTHER who has been there with me through all this mess, who has helped give me strength through his strength.  Thank you to the MOST supportive husband EVER!  If I said I needed to go see my Dad, you went, or you were there to care for the kids, or whatever I needed.  Thank you Dana for the countless phone calls and texts you have listened/responded too.  Thank you Ag’s for the encouraging thoughts and prayers (most of all CUPCAKES!) when I told you I needed them most.  Thank you Colleen who wanted to order me a “shitty-Day” cake from Publix because she knew it would help me smile, even if for just a few moments…she even offered to help eat it if she was closer so I didn’t feel like a piggy :)  And lastly, thank you Aja….you just went through this yourself with the loss of your Grandmother, your kind words helped me realize I wasn’t crazy but most of all, I wasn’t alone.  Although you weren’t here, I could feel your hugs around my neck and I knew whenever I needed you, you were just a call away.  There are MANY more wonderful friends who checked on me DAILY!!!!  Thank you!  Thank you MUCHES!  I appreciate every one of you!  Thank you!!!

The hardest part is knowing that today could have been he last time I will see him alive.

Now, I sit here and wait.  Impatiently.

The Inevitable….

The inevitable is, we will all die.  All of us.  At some point in our lives, our calling will be made and we will see the light and be gone.  One can only hope you have had a fulfilling life filled with love and no regrets. 

This is what I wish for my Dad.  He was born just 56 short years ago.  He is dying.  Quickly.  Not only does he have cancer throughout most of his body, it has most likely now entered his brain and his cancer is eating him from the inside out.  He has cancer sores all over his body.  He has a bed sore on his back, which is exposing his tail bone and spine, it’s the size of a cantaloupe. 

Nothing about cancer is fun.  Nothing about it is easy.  But to see a loved one in physical pain, SUCKS!  Nothing short of S.U.C.K.S.  PERIOD.  It SUCKS.  On Friday night he screamed in pain for 10 straight hours.  Finally, at 7am his girlfriend called Hospice, they did not arrive fast enough, so she called 911.  He was admitted into the hospital where they finally got the pain under control, 10hours later.  Sunday, I asked him if he would consider going to a Hospice Pain Management Center.  He declined, saying the doctors were really helping, BUT, he would consider it the following day.  I called the Social Worker that helps him and we agreed to try to persuade him that it would be best for him to be in a Hospice facility.  At 6pm, he was transferred into a Pain Management Center.  THANK GOD!

Since arriving, he has been in much less pain.  Only problem?  He is slipping, and slipping fast.  This is good and bad.  In my mind, I’m ready for this battle to end.  In my heart, I’ll never be ready to say Good-bye to the first person I called Daddy.  To the man who brought me into this world.  So instead, I sit here and wait.  I make my daily phone calls to him, which as of yesterday, I couldn’t make out but 2 words he said to me, “love” and “boys.”  If it wasn’t for the same sentence he tells me at the end of each and every phone call, I would have had no idea what he said.  So what was he trying to tell me?  “I love you honey.  Give the boys a hug for me.  And tell T hello.”

With each phone call, I can only hope, he knows its me on the other end.  That it is his little girl who loves him and is constantly thinking about his well-being.  It’s me Dad…please, know it’s me. 

The realist in me knows the end is approaching.  I almost want it to happen sooner than later.  He is in pain.  He doesn’t deserve to be in pain.  He is NOT a bad person.  There are many BAD people in this world….child molesters, murderers, rapist…the list goes on…my DAD is NOT BAD!  He doesn’t deserve to hurt. 

I can only wish him comfort.  I wish he would shut his eyes and remember all the wonderful times he had with my brother and I and all the fun times he had with his friends.  He has a lot of friends!  I wish that when he sleeps at night he is only reminded of those happy times, not of pain.  Not of being paralyzed.  Not of this rotten disease that is slowly taking his life in the most miserable way known to man. 

Dad, I love you.  Our boys love you.  I’ll never forget our days in the park while sipping 7-11 slurpees and you pushing me on the swings.  I’ll always cherish our Sunday’s on Clearwater Beach and how just before we would leave I’d look out the window to see if the birds were flying over our house, for what I liked to think of was them calling us to the beach ;)  I’ll never forget how you tried to make it to my college graduation but you just couldn’t find it.  But most of all, I’ll never ever forget the day you helped Mike give me away to T and wished us all the luck in the world.  I’m so glad you were able to see what I’ve become and who your grandchildren are.  I love you, Dad.    

                                                                           Love you MUCHES!

                                                                                    Lynn”ski”

Dad….I wrote this about you last night.  While T had the boys at the pool and I sat here crying my eyes out.  Today, I decided to do something good for myself.  I took a nice jog on the treadmill.  The day seemed to start off much better.  Then I got a phone call.  Not the dreaded call, but a call from your wonderful nurse who kindly and ever so gently, told me to change my plans and come by your side sooner than Saturday.  She tells me you’ll be passing in the next few days.  I knew this day was coming, but it makes it no easier to hear out loud.  To know, it is indeed, inevitable.

I love you!!!!

The Happy Herbivores, BIRTHDAY!

And finally…The Happy Herbivores book is on shelves at a local book store NEAR YOU!  Now why is it still there?  Shouldn’t you be driving to that said book store to pick up your copy?  I think so!  And if you’re smart, you’ll hit a store with a fantastic coffee company built right inside so that you may have your sweet juice of this early morning while you flip through your new cookbook, ear-tagging each page you MUST try!!!!  Nutty Butter, Edamole (GREAT for Superbowl parties), Whole Wheat Pancakes…the fluffiest of fluffy!!!  Ok…now run…GRAB YOUR COPY!  I want to see my friend, Lindsay Nixon AUTHOR, sore to #1 on the VEGAN cookbook lists!!!  Only YOU can help make this happen!!!!

BTW…for all of you that LOVE cooking but hate to dirty up your cookbooks…download a copy onto your Kindle, Nook, E-Reader, Cellphone with Amazon Kindle capabilities!  OK….got it?   THANKS!

Click HERE for the BOOK.       Click HERE for the DOWNLOAD.

Even my kids are THRILLED!  But then again, they LOVE Ms. Lindsay ;)

 

Day 4, Cinch! Fast Forward Detox.

I woke up this morning, miserable.  I decided I needed more food, so I was not going to workout today.  I’m not sure that is the true solution to losing weight.  I’ve been super successful with working out and eating right.  I think not going to the gym for lack of feeling satisfied, is a seriously BAD excuse. 

But, I stayed home.  And what did I do?  Nothing.  I need to clean my house.  NEED TOO!  I have zero motivation to do anything, and I’m hosting my sister in laws baby shower on Saturday.  I need to kick my bootie into HIGH GEAR! 

My stats…as of this am, I’m down 4.2lbs TOTAL!  Not bad for 3 days of hard work.  After breakfast and lunch today, I’ve decided this is not a plan for me.  I need more food.  More power to all of you that can do this and stick with it, but to me it’s like depriving myself.  Sad.  I don’t like to feel that way.  If I want a banana who is to tell you not to have one?  It’s a BANANA for goodness sake!

So that is where I think of my DEAR friend The Happy Herbivore.  If you haven’t been to my blog long, then you should know, Lindsay Nixon and I have been close friends for 14+years!  She even attended my college graduation ;)  She is a lawyer, a Vegan Chef, and a loving wife/daughter/friend.  She is the REASON I became a vegetarian.  She is also the person that told me time and time again, there is NO QUICK FIX.  Chose a healthy lifestyle.  Stick to what works for YOU.  Although she is Vegan, she pushes a healthy lifestyle on her family and friends.  She knows becoming a vegetarian isn’t for everyone, but healthy eating should be.  And even a few vegetarian meals per week is a good idea.  That is how I began.  Then I dove in, 100%.  The Happy Herbivore’s 1st cookbook has already hit your stores!  But to preorder on amazon, click HERE!

The Happy Herbivore guided me from losing my prepregnancy weight with Ethan, to dropping an ADDITIONAL 20lbs.  There is NO doubt in my mind, I will drop this weight again.  It’s only been 4months since I had Eli, and with the helps of this detox, I’m only 4lbs away.  I’m close.  Super close.  I will get there.  And then I’ll want more off.  That’s just the way I work.

So I’m calling it quits on my yogurt/spinach/almonds/almond butter/raspberries….I’m sick of all of you!  I need a crunch.  I want a crunchy salad for dinner tonight with pecans!  My wonderful husband is taking me to the OUTBACK.  Where I will eat salad and a delicious sweet potato.  How could that be wrong?  It is right on so many levels in my eyes.  LOL.

So to all those out there doing this Detox….ENJOY!  Be merry!  But most of all, don’t binge when your done.  Pull out before you get to that point.  I can feel if I stick to this diet, I will most certainly stick my head in a pile of bread and not quit eating till it’s gone.  Haaaaaa…of course I’m kidding.  But I’m almost at that point.

Day 3, Cinch! Fast Forward Detox.

Well, I did it.  I’m 1/2 way home.  Today I woke up and found I lost another 1.2lbs which brings me to a total of 2.8lbs as of this am.

The food, is the same.  Nothing new to report.  Still doing 1/2 and 1/2 yogurt.  Actually I’m doing more like 2oz vanilla and 4oz plain.  It’s not bad at all that way. 

Hardest part is still the afternoon.  I’m starving.  I want something crunchy.  BAD.  I want a cracker or a carrot or something!  And it needs calories!  I’m STARVED!

I plan to stick this out, but I’m dreading the next two days.  Just because I’m now bored.  Maybe the juice detox would have been better as it would have been over in 3 days.  Instead I have to plug away at this for another 2 days.  Oh well, I’ll survive.

Agatha and Chris are doing well.  Hanging in there.  Agatha was down 4lbs as of last night!  Amazing!!!!  Chris is still waiting until Friday for his final weigh in.

I have to tell you all, none of us are obesse.  Not even a little.  Most people yearn to loose a few pounds and that is us.  We just want to lose a few and help push us to keep staying on a weight loss track program.  I say this because if you are obesse, I bet you’ll lose more.  Or if your even on the skinner side, you might lose less.  It probably really depends on your previous diet.

Agatha and I worked out today for 2 hours.  I ran 2miles and walked at an incline of 13.5 for 40mins.  Then we went on to boot camp.  I nearly fell on my face in boot camp.  It really kicked my rear end.  I’m pretty certain it wasn’t because of lack of calories but lack of being “in-shape.”  Sure, I workout a lot, but I haven’t done boot camp with this instructor, ever, and I haven’t done boot camp since the beginning of my pregnancy…so about a year ago.  EEK!  It was hard.  I finished.  But barely.  I was also sweating terribly.  I believe it’s all the water I’m drinking.

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